Without Him
by ClaceAngels
Summary: Taken place after 5x22 season finale of the Vampire Diaries. Elena is heart-broken. The love of her life is gone, and so is her best friend, Bonnie, along with everything she seemed to live for. Stefan has lost his brother, and now, he must take care of Elena, who is on the brink of losing herself, forever. Includes: Self-harm (Warning)
1. Elena's Entry

_Diary,_

_When the words left Bonnie's mouth, I felt like my whole world collapsed. Everything stopped; time, my breathing, everything. __Then, like a rising storm, an ache formed in my chest, and it was so great and painful, that I stumbled back. _

_"__It's too late."_

_It's too late. Three words. Alone, they're just words, but when you put them together, it has the power to tear you a part piece by piece. That's what happened to me. I was torn apart piece by piece, until reality suddenly became a blur, and I couldn't feel anything but the pain. I've lost so many people. My parents, Jenna, Alaric, John, my brother. I lost Stefan at one point, but he's here now, and so is Alaric and Jeremy. _

_But Damon,…_

_I never thought I'd lose him. In fact, ever since I first met him, Bonnie told me it was just the beginning, but now the beginning feels too far away. Like I never got a chance to catch a glimpse of what our future would've been; could've been. Damon had told me that. He told me that he'd seen a future with me the second his eyes saw me. And I believed him, cause at the moment, I felt the same way. I thought losing my parents was unbearable, and then I lose Alaric, Jenna, and Jeremy. Then I thought, "No; this is unbearable." Then, Jeremy came back, but Bonnie…_

_Bonnie is dead. Just like Damon._

_Without both of them, the word "unbearable" sounds like a childish word. This was something else. It was a word much more painful than that. I'm pretty sure the way I feel can't be summed up into one word, actually, or one sentence. I feel hollow; like everything that I used to hold and breathe is gone. I feel so empty. I feel broken, hurt, alone. Damon can't even be a ghost to watch over me now that the other side is gone, along with Bonnie and him. Writing this down hurts; my fingers are trembling with ever letter I write. Stefan said it would help me, but what will this do? Damon, my love, is dead. Bonnie, who is…who was, my best friend, is dead. The whole world feels dead. I'm dead. My soul is dead. Every light that comes through the window feels like another reminder of the light that is gone from me. Every time I walk outside and see a crow, I think of Damon. The dark feathers remind me of his hair, and the nature of the bird reminds me of Damon's personality too. _

_I miss him. No, I don't miss him, I- I don't know how to write it down. But I don't miss him. I feel like there was a bond that connected us, and then suddenly the bond was ripped a part, and now I'm left with a half broken soul, but when I found out that Bonnie died, the other half of me vanished too. _

_So what does that make me? _

_What am I without them?_

_I don't know how I'll survive without him. He was my life. __I love him. That hasn't changed. I'll always love him._

_I don't think I will survive much longer without him._

RIP Damon Salvatore and Bonnie Bennet. I love you both.


	2. Holding on and Letting Go

NPOV:

The Salvatore Border house was pitch-quiet. The only sound in the home was the soft sound of wood crackling in the living room fireplace. The fire was nearly dead. The velvet curtains were all pulled closed, and they illuminated a soft red light throughout the border house hallways and rooms. Other than the quiet light, the house was dark, even though it was daytime outside. Standing silently outside one of the many rooms in the border house, was Stefan Salvatore.

His back was leaning against the wall next to the room's door, and his eyes were closed; his fingers clenched in a tight fist. He was listening to the activities inside the room. The wooden floor creaked under his feet as he moved, eyes still closed, as he softly kneeled down and sat on the floor. Soft whimpering sounds flowed into his ears, causing Stefan to flinch. The sound became familiar, too familiar, to his vampire hearing. For the past couple of months, all he heard in the border house was the cracking of firewood, and the sobs that never seemed to come to ease from that room. The room belonged, had belonged, to Stefan's older brother, Damon Salvatore.

Damon Salvatore is gone.

Sucked away into an abyss, in which no one living, or undead, could understand. He, along with a close friend, Bonnie Bennet, was sucked away. Stefan thought about them both all the time now. All he could see were their faces; their smiles. All he could hear was their laughs, their voices so alive and filled with life…

The only thing other than that that he heard was Elena. He always heard Elena's soft sobs erecting from the room that his elder brother had once slept in. She now stayed in that room. She never left it since Damon died.

"Why would she leave," Stefan thought with pain. "She loves him."

Stefan placed his head down on his knees; feeling hot tears fill his eyes and a deep ache form in his chest. Stefan was trying to hold it together for Elena, and himself. He didn't want to feel this way, but his brother was gone. He else was he supposed to feel? Being a vampire, his emotions were heightened. Sure, love, joy, and happiness were all heightened, but so was the pain, agony, loss. He didn't remember feeling this empty ever before. His brother was gone. Elena's love and best friend were gone.

Nowadays, everything seemed to be disappearing. Slowly, painfully.

Stefan listened to Elena's soft sobs, knowing that even if he tried to calm her, Elena would probably never come at ease; not fully. Maybe she'd never stop crying for her love, Damon Salvatore.

EPOV:

I slammed the pen down on the floor. The pen left a small dent in the wooden flooring next to the bed I was currently sitting on. Blue ink stained the side of my hand from writing in the diary Stefan had bought me.

"Try, Elena. Please; just try to write down something, anything.."

Stefan had told me that when he had given the diary to him. Of course, the first thing I did was throw the diary against the bedroom wall, but surprisingly, the diary was still intact when I walked over to it earlier and dusted it off. I picked up a pen from…from Damon's drawer, and wrote my first entry in months. Now, looking down at the page, I decided it was a waste, and tore it out of the diary and throw it on the floor, which was now littered with crunched up entries. I knew Stefan was outside the room. I had grown to know when he was there. I knew that he kneeled down when I heard the old wood creak softly, and I knew the sound of his sigh when he heard me rip out countless diary entries.

He was breaking. I could tell. I knew he was, because I had already broke. Caroline and Matt always came over, and tried to get me out of this bed, but, why should I? What good is it going to be to me even if I do get out of this bed? Out of Damon's bed.

At thought of his name, a pain that never dulled burned inside my chest. Glowed, nearly. I felt a new round of sobs filling me chest, and knowing Stefan was still outside, I grabbed a pillow from behind my back, and bite down into it softly; trying not to rip the delicate fabric of the pillowcase. Sometimes, when my senses were slightly better, I could almost smell the scent of Damon's hair; a mixture of never dulling forest, and clean shampoo. But I was realizing that the scent was starting to dull after the past couple of months, so I kept two of his pillows under the bed to conserve their scents. I slept with two pillows on the bed. Well, slept isn't the right word. I didn't really sleep anymore. Not after that night. I just drifted off from crying so much; after my body just couldn't keep up with my sobs anymore.

I never had good dreams. Just haunting dreams. I dreamt of Damon's crystal blue eyes, his crooked smile that seduced me every time I saw him. I would dream about his dark hair, and my fingers running through the soft strands. I would dream about his arms wrapped around my waist as he kissed me, and whispered that he loved me over, and over again; like a lullaby. Then, I'd always wake up to this; Damon's side of the bed, cold, and wet tears on the pillow that my face was on. Then, reality would come rushing back to me.

"I know, I know."

Those were his last words to me. That was the last time I heard his voice. _I know._ Of course, he knew. He knew I loved him, and I knew he loved me. _I know._ Those words. Two words that are just like any other. But, those are the last words I'll know that Damon said. I want nothing more than to hear his voice. I want to see him, feel him. I just want him back; I want him back more than anything. I can't even think straight anymore. One night, Stefan told me he found me outside once; out in the forest near the border house with a tree branch lodged in my stomach. He asked me if I remembered what had happened, and I told him no.

That was a lie.

That night, one of the dreams had been so real. Damon and I were having a picnic near Wickery Bridge, and Damon had the sunlight reflecting against his eyes, causing them to look ice-blue. Tall, green trees were behind us, and the Wickery Bridge was just in front of us. The sun was warm on my skin, and it was sunset. The water of the lake was scattered with different shades of pinks, and oranges from the sun. Damon said something and I never remembered what it was, then, I leaned over and kissed him, and I felt his lips curl up into a smile while my lips were pressed against his. I heard his soft laugh vibrate in the back of his throat. I could feel his hands, so strong yet so gentle when they touched me, tracing soft patterns on my back. His breath tasted like mints and bourbon.

Then I woke up. I was so grief stricken, more than normal, that he wasn't here with me, that I couldn't take it anymore. That night, along with many others, I wanted to kill myself. I wanted to go to wherever Damon was, and join him there. I wanted to see Bonnie's smile and hear her welcoming me. I wanted that.

So, as quietly as I could, I opened the window in the room, and went outside for the first time in a while. The air was cold from night, and I shivered slightly. Stefan was asleep. I jumped out of the window, landing on the gravel with a soft, "thud". I looked up at the window. No sign of Stefan. I then looked out into the forest. The trees looked gray from the moonlight, and the soft sound of crickets created a soft melody. I swore I could hear Damon calling me. I then began to walk towards the woods. Then, when I entered the woods, I just kept walking. When I couldn't see the border house ant longer, I stopped. I looked up at the sky. The stars were all scattered across the darkened sky, and I thought about the night I had found Damon looking up at the stars and had told me that he was, "listening to the universe laugh at him." It hurt to think about him, and I just wanted the pain to go away. I wanted everything to go away. So, I closed my eyes, I reached out to a tree, and tore a branch off, and, whispering to Damon that I loved him, I aimed for my heart.

Just as I was about to plunge it into my chest, I remembered Jeremy. He had lost someone he loved too. He lost Bonnie. He lost our parents. He lost so many people, like me, and it wouldn't be right to leave him here alone. I can't leave him here. I can't leave Stefan, Matt, Caroline, Alaric. We're all we have left. We only have each other. I can't create another grave to mourn over. So, I plunged the branch into my stomach. The pain was almost a relief. That was the first time I felt pain that wasn't mental. I pulled the branch deeper into me. I felt warm blood drip onto my legs and feet. I let it. Then, I collapsed on the forest floor, and closed my eyes, and dreamed about the warm sun, and Damon's soft laugh. The next morning, Stefan found me, and I lied to him.

I know Stefan knows I lied to him. The windows are now bolted shut, and even sprayed with vervain so I don't try anything again. Like that would stop me. Pain wouldn't stop me, because I've grown to use to it.

Now, I looked down at me wrist, which had healed from what I had done to it yesterday, and brought it up to my lips. Knowing Stefan was listening, I bit down into my wrist quietly. I tasted my blood as I punctured through the skin of my wrist, and I watched as the blood dripped onto the wooden floor. I closed my eyes, and bit down harder. I heard my wrist bone crack from the pressure of my bite. I cursed softly, and then, immediately, Stefan vamp-speed into the room and gripped my wrist with his hand. I clenched my eyes tighter. I felt Stefan use his strength to pull my wrist away from my mouth, and then my eyes opened.

NPOV:

Elena cried out when Stefan brought her wrist away from her mouth; now wet with her own blood. Stefan, pulled her hand down, and gripped her arms tightly. Elena struggled against him, moaning and whimpering words that Stefan, even with his vampire hearing, couldn't understand.

"Elena, Elena stop!" Stefan cried. He was trying his best to remain calm, which was getting harder every day. Elena seemed to relax slightly, but her harsh breathing continued. "Elena," Stefan looked down at Elena's bloody arm. Stefan was speechless. Elena had been harming herself at least once every day now. He was always stopping her from killing herself. Stefan had never seen Elena so sad, and agonized before. It was like he was harming her when he stopped her from harming herself further. Now, Elena leaned back against the bedpost, and began to sob. They were loud, harsh, painful sobs, and Stefan felt tears sliding down his face from seeing her cry. Then, Stefan pulled Elena into his lap, and wrapped his arms around her; her warm tears soaking through his shirt. Rounds of harsh sobs caused her to spasm in Stefan's embrace, and Elena only cried harder after his arms tightened around her. His arms around her just reminded her further that Damon was really gone. It seemed like when Stefan was trying to comfort her, her cries only grew louder.

Stefan didn't mind though. He knew Elena. He knew that she needed this; the contact. The feeling that she wasn't alone in this. She needed this. He needed this.

They sat like that for a long time. With Stefan's arms around Elena's small form, and Elena crying. They didn't say anything, and they didn't need to. They both already knew what they were thinking. So, even when Stefan felt Elena's sobs soften, and her breathing slow, he still held her. Even when Elena fell asleep in his lap, he still held her. For once, Stefan realized that Elena was actually breathing normally. He toke a chance to look down, and saw that Elena's eyebrows were scrunched up in sadness, but she was sleeping, for the first time in months, without whimpering.

So, Stefan held her. And he kept holding her for the rest of the day.

**Rest in Peace, Damon and Bonnie. Review if you guys want more. I'm just trying to pass the time until 6x01 of the Vampire Diaries on October 2nd. Love you, Allison.**


End file.
